


With You

by poetsandzombies



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Broken Bucky Barnes, Cocaine, Drug Use, Heavy Angst, Protective Bucky Barnes, so fucking broken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 19:26:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1561367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetsandzombies/pseuds/poetsandzombies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky reaches a new low, and Steve, feeling helpless, is willing to try anything at this point. Anything doesn't even work. </p><p>This was suppose to be a straight up drug fic, but it turned into angst. And weird, platonic touching. And then kissing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With You

**Author's Note:**

> i doubt my writing or this story will make anyone want to try cocaine or something, but for the record, I'm not trying to romanticize cocaine or anything like that. drugs are bad, mmmk?

They both sat with their legs crossed, facing each other, on the cold tiled floor of the dimly lit room. Bucky's head rested on on Steve's shoulder as he pressed his nose against the back of the man's hand, snorting the line of coke across his finger. Steve felt him jerk against him, a metal arm pressing into his thigh to keep balance.

"You good? Steve asked, voice rugged, shallow. The grip on his thigh tightened as the drug kicked in and Steve tilted his head back, swallowing hard. He tried focusing on who he was with, but his vision was blurring in and out of clarity, and his skin was starting to prickle with the poison coursing through his own veins.

"Yeah," Bucky breathed. But only after a moment, he seemed to sulk, sinking further into Steve's body. "It's not..."

"I know, Buck. It's the serum." Steve knew exactly what Bucky had meant. He'd experienced it just a few minutes before, after snorting the same substance through his nose from the dip in Bucky's shoulder. There was an instant shot of adrenaline, one fleeting burst of energy, and then... nothing. It had all been snatched away faster than it came, leaving Steve dizzy, a dull throbbing between his ears, and guilt pooling in his stomach for agreeing to try something so harmful and it not even working. 

Bucky's hand made its way up Steve's arm to cup his neck, moved from his shoulder to press their foreheads together, breathing through his mouth.

"Steve..." his voice was strained, the pain in it shooting straight to Steve's chest. He could feel Bucky trembling beneath his fingertips, tried to soothe him, but his breath just got heavier, his eyes half closed and filled with tears. "Steve, all I see are the people I've killed. All the lives I destroyed. And Steve, I ..." fingers tangled through Steve's hair. He closed his eyes, humming dizzily at the anxiety forming in his gut. "I can't stop remembering that I forgot you." 

It came out as a sob. Just one, but low and broken all the same. Steve shuddered, holding onto Bucky tighter as the room around them spun and they faded in and out of each other's sight. Steve tried not to think about it. About Bucky's words, about how recently it seemed they just  _couldn't get close enough_. Always next to each other, shoulders brushing with every step they took, in sync. It had always been this way, but out of habit, not necessity like it was now. Now? They couldn't even sleep in separate rooms. 

Now, as they sat across from each other, their noses pressed together, breathing in each other's breaths, childhood memories circulating around their heads... now, as gentle fingers threaded through Steve's hair, as they shook, high on depression more than the poison in their veins, as they held onto each other like their lives depended on it, Steve wondered if Bucky would blame him if he broke down too.

"I lost you for so long, Bucky." He tried holding it together, he tried. But it was too much, the fear of losing him again, it... he shook violently. "I can't, not again."

It was like splashing ice water on Bucky, it awoke something in him, seeing Steve weak, seeing Steve  _needing_  him. 

"Shh, no. I know, I know." Steve knew he couldn't promise anything, wouldn't dare let Steve down like that, but he could see the panic in his eyes as he babbled, as he tried to calm Steve down.

"I won't," Bucky was saying, choked "I won't," but he couldn't say anymore, he could only lean in that extra half inch to press their mouths together sloppily. There wasn't any order, no gentleness. It was just a mash of quivering lips mixed with tears, and desperate hands exploring bare skin. 

It was a mess, _they_ were a mess-when did they become such a mess?-but Bucky pulled away too soon, eyes shut tight like he had to force himself to, but they remained touching, their foreheads still pressed together, hands now somehow intertwined. 

"I'm with you Steve," Bucky whispered. But he didn't dare finish. Not now that he knew he couldn't promise. He just repeated, "I'm with you."

 

And that would have to be enough.


End file.
